Robert J Turner

I was crying by the end.

Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted”.
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one.

These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN’S AFTERBURNER CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - FRED’S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI…
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 — A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC…
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT…just like this nuclear waste I’m eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER…
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.

CHILI # 6 - VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY…
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 - SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI…
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM’S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI…
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. poor feller, wonder how he’d have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report

This photograph shows a red Doberman kissing an exhausted fireman. He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire. She is pregnant. The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before. When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest. A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, “The Observer,” noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman. He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do. As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, when the photographer snapped this photograph.

The joys of having piercings, personally I did have my nips done so I know the joys, I understand what these people get out of doing this! That in itself is nuts.

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

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On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

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On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
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On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)

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On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

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On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

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On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(…I’m taking this because???….)

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On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

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On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

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On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

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On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

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On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

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****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the light*****

Okay, so it aint a word, but Im getting into the workings of PHP, I want to loose the WYSYWYG Dreamweaver and go for learning to code in PHP.

Wish me luck….

Send To Toys 2.3

Publisher’s Description:

Send To Toys is an enhancement of the Send To system menu. ‘Add to Send To menu’ and ‘Remove from Send To menu’ allow you to personalize the Send To system menu for drives, folders, and programs. Send To ‘Clipboard (as name)’ copies the name of the file or files to the clipboard. Send To ‘Command Prompt’ opens a DOS console window, setting the current directory to the selected folder. Send To ‘Favorites’ adds a shortcut to your Favorites list. Send To ‘Folder…’ sends a file or files to another folder, you will be shown a dialog box that lets you choose where the files should be copied. Send To ‘Run…’ sends a file or files to the Run command dialog.

Latest Changes:

* Added Send To Toys Control Panel Applet for managing the Send To menu content, and to configure Send To Toys settings

* Added Send To ‘Recycle Bin’ which also performs document shredding when holding down the CTRL key

* Send To ‘Folder…’: Added a Default folder setting and also added an option to open the destination folder at completion

* Send To ‘Clipboard (as name)’: Improved wrap option and added three options to further control the format (escape sequences for unsafe characters and spaces, URL, and UNC)”

EvilLyrics 0.1.8 RC2 beta

Publisher’s Description:

EvilLyrics is a free utility that automatically searches for lyrics as your song is played in your media player. It searches over 5,000,000 lyrics. Currently supports Winamp, Windows Media Player, iTunes, RealPlayer, Foobar, Jetaudio, QCD, MusicMatch, MediaMonkey and Yahoo! Music Engine. It contains no spyware or adware and is completely free.

Latest Changes:

* Feature: Limited JetAudio support

* Change: Removed edit/view modes; edit is now default mode (find-as-you-type now works only when lyrics are locked)

* Feature: Bring to front with player

* Change: improved multiple filter handling

* Change: improved filter submission

* Feature: auto logging to myLyrics via ‘go to myLyrics button

* Feature: redirect keywords (and more settings configurable via settings.txt)

Ive decided to start a Flickr site of photo’s from around Vancouver Island - The lesser known sights.