Im really wanting to improve my walk with God, Im…
Im really wanting to improve my walk with God, Im really flakey at it, I need mentoring I think, someone who can enthuse me in my walk with the Lord. I’d much rather be creating a website or doing something technical then sitting and reading the Bible.
I feel resistant to giving myself to God, I have a longing to sometimes but them I really hold back and I know that each Sunday at church the God calls be up to the mercy seat and I stay rooted to the floor. I also fear for my wife and if I did become more Godly would it adversely affect my relationship with her or hers with me. Its all excuses and I should let it all go and let it happen.
I had depression when I was younger and I dont think you ever get over that you just learn to deal with it. Recently I have felt more ofter a little depressed and maybe its because I am working and so more tired. I am one of these people who if I dont sleep I become more emotionally vunerable to attack. I think having God on my side would help me with that too but there is always the fears of what I may loose, what I will no longer have control over, the change that will happen etc.
Its funny I feel like this as when I was emmigrating I had very little responsibilities living with my wife regarding money or decisions of what to do with the money and I felt quite liberated but as soon as I began working and making money, I felt the need to be more responsible to the bills etc.
I want to let it all go, Lord I want to have you in my heart but I get scared.
Yours faithfully
Rob Turner.
